Last week my wife Andrea and I took a weekend getaway trip to celebrate her birthday. We enjoyed a long weekend in a tiny off-the-grid cabin in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. We explored Luray Caverns, visited a huge petting zoo, ate some good barbeque, visited Shenandoah National Park, and relaxed at the cabin while enjoying the stunning views. It was fabulous! We loved the chance to spend some quality time together before I leave for Appalachian Trail.
Skyline Drive, the main road through Shenandoah National Park, parallels the 101 mile portion of the Appalachian Trail that runs through the park. We drove a section of Skyline Drive after visiting Luray and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to say “Hi” to the Appalachian Trail. I leave for Georgia in just over 2 weeks to start my journey. I expect to be passing through this spot in Shenandoah in late May or early June.
Going on a six-month hike naturally means that Andrea and I will need to be in a long distance relationship (or “LDR”) for a while. Fortunately we have some experience with this. In 2016 we got engaged just a two weeks before I left for a year in South Korea, so almost all of our engagement was spent 5,000 miles apart. After navigating that 17 hour time zone difference, everything else feels relatively easy. Since being married I’ve been away from home for a number of trips and schools for the Army, not to mention several multi-week backpacking trips. My thru-hike of the AT will have its own unique challenges, but I’m confident that this is nothing we can’t handle.
I am so grateful for my wife’s support and willingness to let me go do my crazy thing. While I’m out having a fun adventure, she’ll be home looking after the house and dog by herself. My mini-retirement would not be possible without her support. Not all wives would be willing to let their spouse disappear into the woods for months on end. I hit the spouse jackpot.
I try to be a supportive spouse too. Andrea is currently pursuing a personal goal of her own; she is in her second semester of a PhD program in rehabilitation and kinesiology. I try to support her however I can, offering encouragement, moral support, and lots of proofreading.
About a year ago, we had a lot up in the air. Andrea was interested in working toward her PhD, but we didn’t know where in the world I would be. The Army had told me it was time to move, so most likely I would be moving out of state or even out of country in the fall. I had applied for the Career Intermission Program (CIP), but had no idea the likelihood of approval. If I did get approved, that would eliminate the need to move to a new Army assignment and I could stay here in Virginia during the sabbatical. That would work out great if Andrea was in school here. We felt fairly confident that she would be accepted, but were hoping that she would also receive a research stipend and tuition waiver.
There were many variables in play and what felt like infinite potential outcomes. We literally sketched out a decision tree flowchart onto a giant whiteboard to visualize all of the possibilities. We made a tentative plan for all of the scenarios we could think of, such as:
- If Kirby gets CIP and Andrea gets accepted to PhD program with stipend
- If Kirby gets CIP and Andrea gets accepted to PhD program without stipend
- If Kirby gets CIP and Andrea does NOT get accepted to PhD program
- If Kirby does not get CIP and Andrea gets accepted to PhD program with stipend
- If Kirby does not get CIP and Andrea gets accepted to PhD program without stipend
- If Kirby does not get CIP and Andrea does NOT get accepted to PhD program
- …..etc…..
You get the idea. It was complicated.
Slowly the variables started to get locked in. Andrea learned she was accepted to the program in April, then was offered the tuition waiver and stipend in May. In June I hadn’t yet heard the results of my CIP application but Andrea needed to make a decision about school. She decided to go ahead and commit to school, even though we didn’t yet know if I would have to move in the fall or not. Trusting in our ability to handle all of the possible outcomes made this decision a lot easier. We knew that no matter what, we’d be ok. After a 5-month wait, I finally received approval for CIP in August – the final piece of the puzzle.
We ended up getting the best case scenario – CIP and PhD with stipend. We had to take some risks along the way, but it feels good for both of us to be bold and go for what we want. We have different interests but we share in each other’s joy. I’m not particularly excited by kinesiology research and she has no desire to live in the woods for 6 months, but we are excited for each other.
Neither of us wanted to prevent the other the opportunity to pursue a personal goal. I think a defining feature of a strong relationship is mutual support for each other’s endeavors. The next two years won’t be perfect, but we’re committed to supporting each other financially, logistically, and emotionally.
LDR while thru-hiking
This is our strategy for maintaining our relationship while I’m thru-hiking the AT. Because we’ve had previous experience with LDR, we’ve learned what works and what doesn’t for us.
- Prep work.
- Create Emergency Binder
- Complete Honey Do list
- Make a tentative plan to meet in the summer during her break
- Spend extra quality time together (like the birthday weekend, and over the holidays).
- Routine check ins. I’ll be passing through a town for resupply once or twice a week – a great opportunity to call Andrea. Verizon service is actually frequently available on the trail itself, so I can text/call more than you might think, though I do prefer to keep phone usage to a minimum in the woods.
- Trust. The single most important element of a LDR. Trust that we’re thinking of each other, that we’re taking care of ourselves, that we’re making smart decisions, and that we’re doing awesome shit and not selling ourselves short. Believe in ourselves and in our relationship.
Though time apart is challenging, it does make time together even more meaningful. I’m grateful for the perfect weekend in the mountains celebrating this amazing human’s birthday!
